she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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