gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
