Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
