My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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