Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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