my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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