mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize