If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
