Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
