not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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