I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
