Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize