My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
