look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
