i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
His hands were made for my vagina.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
