why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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