i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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