and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
