i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize