If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
