Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
