if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
