I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Randomize
