I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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