Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Randomize
