Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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