i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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