got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
