is your mom at the bar?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
