so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Randomize
