I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
