barbara walters just said penis...
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
