I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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