I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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