Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
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