I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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