it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
