i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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