I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I have tasted many bathrooms
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
