i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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