I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
