Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
