just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
this boner is exhausting
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
