I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I would fuck him just for his dog
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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