This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
