we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
