he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
a search helicopter?!
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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