6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
After tacos, we're chasing women.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
