Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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