oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
