My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
