Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Randomize