I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
