I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
