I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Who died my cat blue again?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
