I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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