If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
i out mim tonsoeep
There's even glitter on my cock...
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